HATTER: User Guide and Manual
by lady-ribbon
Summary: CONGRATULATIONS! You've just purchased a HATTER unit! To ensure a happy future that is not addled by drug dealing and attempts to get into alternate worlds, we have taken the time to write out this manual.


**A/N - **I just saw the series and wanted to write something 'bout Hatter. These "user manuals" are super famous around fanfiction and they are NOT my idea, though the Hatter version is.**  
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**HATTER: User Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS!** You've just purchased a HATTER unit! To ensure a happy future that is not addled by drug dealing and attempts to get into alternate worlds, we have taken the time to write out this manual. Reading it carefully will ensure you keep custody over all your limbs and mirrors, and it is highly advised.

**Technical Specifications**

Name: (David) Hatter. Also responds to "Mad", "Hattie", "Sexy", and "Vessel."

Age: 26

Place of Manufacture: Wonderland

Height: 5'9"

Weight: 155 lbs

**Your HATTER unit is equipped with the following:**

One (1) tan leather jacket

Two (2) fedora hats in brown and black

One (1) plum velvet jacket

One (1) jazzy red shirt and pants set

One (1) floral tea set

Five (5) teabags

**Programming**

Your HATTER unit is equipped with the following traits:

_Con Man:_ Loosing at a game of poker you staked your life on? Need to get rid of people you owe money to or on the run from a corrupt government? Never fear - your unit will use his suave confidence and charming grin to amble your way out of a sticky situation, we guarantee!

_Tour Guide:_ Lost in Wonderland? Need a bit of help maneuvering your way around unknown locations? Years of sneaking around have made your HATTER unit your own personalized GPS! An expert at shortcuts and hidden locations, he'll get you wherever you need to go in half the time, with the bonus of showing you hot-spots you may have missed around town.

_Bodyguard:_ Don't let the fancy clothes and laid-back appearance fool you: HATTER units pack one hell of a right-hook that's been known to smash pillars. And all this comes in one adorable package!

**Removal of your HATTER unit from Packaging**

HATTER is actually a cheerful and sweet person by nature, but if he is moved or woken up incorrectly he will turn violent. In order to ensure that you don't accidentally kill yourself or destroy your properties, we have provided a list of safe ways with which to awaken your unit and keep all bones unbroken.

1. Put on something blue (and preferably wet) and moan about being lost/or looking for someone. Hearing these pleas, your HATTER unit will wake up at once and assist you/or jump up and look for an ALICE unit. To avoid him running around your house, you can reprogram him as soon as he wakes up.

2. Boil a pot of tea nearby your box, and make sure you add all the wrong ingredients and leave it to over-boil. Your HATTER unit will burst out of the box and then proceed to give you a proper lesson on the correct way to make and savor tea - while this more than likely will result in a few hours' worth of tea knowledge, it is best to reprogram him as soon as he opens his mouth.

3. Play jazzy, Casino -type music right near your unit's box. Hearing this, the HATTER unit will awaken in anger, and as soon as you lift open the lid, he will spring out and will be all ready for a fight. He will jump you as soon as the lid is off, so be prepared to duck as soon as you can.

**Reprogramming**

After successfully getting your HATTER out of the box, you will have the decision to reprogram him with any of the following mode choices.

_Sexy_ (default)

_Protective_ (default)

_Jealous_

_Violent_ (locked)

_Insane_ (locked)

The HATTER unit by default comes in his _Sexy_ and _Protective_ modes. The _Sexy_ mode ensures that he will be extremely molestable and will leave you weak in the knees with his witty comments, and seductive phrases.

The _Protective_ mode is gained by placing vulnerable people (mostly young women in wet clothing) in his presence. The HATTER unit will want to help these damsels-in-distress at any cost, even when they are unsure of why he is so eager to assist them in the first place.

HATTER'S_ Jealous_ mode is activated when young women (especially ALICE units) are enamored by other men/units and not him. This results in pouting faces and resentment to all males in general. Stalking and angst might also be included.

The _Violent_ mode is locked and for a good reason. In this mode HATTER is likely to forget his alliances and do whatever he can to protect something he feels is at danger - especially ALICE units. He will not give up no matter what you do in this mode. If you decide you want a murderous HATTER, you need only to sic on him a MAD MARCH unit for a period of time, preferably in a locked room.

The _Insane_ mode can be unlocked when HATTER in kept in confinement with DEE and DUM units for a long time. He will then be prone to psychotic lapses and warped thinking. The _Insane_ mode is incredibly risky and we do not recommend trifling with it.

**Relationships with Other Units:**

_ALICE HAMILTON:_ Your HATTER unit is immediately attracted to the ALICE unit. He will try at once to pick her up with suave and flirty comments, but the ALICE unit will brush him off calmly. HATTER will sulk and pout for a while, but then he will go back to hitting on here with renewed energy much to the ALICE unit's dismay. The HATTER unit will always try to help the ALICE unit out regardless of whether she needs/wants help, and will be hurt when the ALICE unit does not trust him at first. Nonetheless, with time and persistence he can eventually win her over with his bouncy, sweet personality. When this happens, your HATTER unit will want to stay/live with the ALICE unit, so it is advised that you keep them together. If an ALICE unit is not around, the HATTER unit will become desperate and attempt to fall through mirrors/step into them/ squeeze into them. It is advised that you remind the HATTER unit to go after the ALICE unit, or you will find yourself with a house full of broken mirrors and a hurt HATTER.

_CHARLIE KNIGHT:_ The HATTER unit will start out thinking the CHARLIE KNIGHT unit is annoying and insane (default traits for all CHARLIE units). Nevertheless they will soon become friends/partners in crime and can be found taking down corrupt business/countries/empires. They can also be found reciting poetry/English literature by the hour. They will manage to have a lot of adventures together, which involve anything from exposing dictators to contemplating pizza. The ALICE unit usually is invited/dragged along in these misadventures.

_JACK HEART:_ Your HATTER unit hates the JACK HEART and is jealous of him (when it involves an ALICE unit). HATTER will always try and up-stand JACK HEART units much to the JACK HEART unit's contempt. There is only a possibility of a hate relationship between them - however it is noted that when the HATTER unit is in insane mode, the JACK HEART unit is in twisted mode and there are no ALICE units around for a very (very) long time, a relationship might spring into life. Ten out of ten times this does not happen, but if you are a weird/disturbed person, anything is possible!

_RATCATCHER/RATTY:_ Anytime the HATTER unit is in contact with a RATTY unit, he will complain and whine about the other unit's pungent smell, and immediately feel like taking a bath. Despite the HATTER unit's dislike of the RATTY unit, it is almost always through a RATTY unit that a HATTER unit comes in contact with an ALICE unit. To make sure a relationship happens between them, the RATTY unit must be in contact with the HATTER unit, though your HATTER unit will not like him. However, HATTER units tend to use RATTY units for work despite the negative factors.

**Cleaning**

Your HATTER unit is perfectly capable of cleaning himself, though he likes to have an ALICE unit accompany him to the bath. HATTER units are also fond of bubble baths and rubber duckies. It is advised to check in on him when giving him this, as he becomes so preoccupied with them that he might drown. We also suggest buying him hair-gel to keep that windswept hair look, and buying a razor to keep his appealing scruffiness in check.

**Feeding**

Your HATTER units is very fond of tea, but will eat practically anything, though he is especially fond of pizza and junk foods in general.

**Rest**

The HATTER unit will keep himself busy with either work, reading or stalking/bothering/cuddling ALICE units so you might have to check in on him, and remind him to get a good nights rest now and then.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: My HATTER unit won't stop sitting on my neighbor's pink flamingo lawn-ornament! He keeps telling them to fly and it's embarrassing! What should I do to make him stop?

A: Whoops - Your HATTER unit is fond of flying on flamingos, since this was possible in the place he was manufactured. You have to tell him it is not possible where you live, and to console him we recommend buying a pink flamingo plushie instead.

Q: My HATTER unit tried to sell drugs the other day, insisting that he thought it was "emotions"! How on earth can I stop him from dealing in this shady business?

A: HATTER only needs to be introduced to an ALICE unit and this will take his mind off his shady dealings. In time, he will find himself a reasonable job or open his own tea business and be contented with the cash he makes, since the HATTER units tends to like making money.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: Instead of opening your box to find a handsome HATTER, you find an insane looking clown with a gaudy outfit on.

Solution: Oopsie, we've sent you a TARRENT HIGHTOPP HATTER instead. If you'd like to exchange him for the other HATTER, just call Customer Services and we'll ship the right one out immediately.

**End Notes**

With the proper care, respect and plenty of tea; HATTER will prove to be a wonderful companion and friend. As your unit has an extremely high tolerance, it is hard to annoy him to the point that he leaves you; if that does happen, he will soon miss you and worry about you enough that he'll return, and you can patch up your relationship. We wish you good luck and a long, happy life with your unit!


End file.
